Life Without a Plan, How My Miscarriages Changed Me Forever

I am a mother of a beautiful 11 year old boy, he is everything I could ever ask for. He is handsome, so handsome, smart, curious, witty, has the biggest heart and is mature beyond his age. I love him so much that I can't explain it in words. I am sure all moms can relate to this kind of love.

My vision of my life always after having him was to give him a sibling, his very own brother or sister, his forever friend, like I have in my sister. I never planned it out or we never had a strategy, I always felt that I have my whole life. Also my son kept me very busy, he was always very active little boy, with a lot of questions and a curious mind, I always worked full time, so did my husband, our lives were busy, filled with life, schedules, kisses, hugs, trips, family etc.

When my son was 2 I accidentally got pregnant, we were very overwhelmed but excited as well, it seemed that it happened so fast, and the possibility of having 2 little ones, seemed overwhelming, as I was grasping for air and trying to imagine my life with 2 babies, I went to my 8 weeks appointment and was told that they cannot find the heartbeat. My heart dropped and part of my soul died, and all the: it was early, it wasn't meant to be, it was in God's hands, didn't help me. It literally crushed all my dreams, everything that I had imagined for 8 weeks, was crushed, my son at the time was little and didn't know, but he was old enough to hand me a tissue when I cried. So I moved on and chucked it as, it wasn't meant to be, after long time of mourning, although my heart never forgot, it is always a part of me, the feeling the memories, the dreams, the worries, the feeling of being pregnant, nauseous, the song in the radio at the time was Alicia Key's "no one"

After that year, many things happened as the economy crashed, my husband lost his job, then I lost my job, my husband had an accident playing basketball, where his knee cracked in half and etc. So it was never our focus to plan for another baby, although always in my dreams "one day." We recovered from job losses, got healthy again and continued on...

When my son was 7, I got pregnant again, and to save some time here, the same thing happened, this time we were not as shocked and more ready for it, again, planning dreaming, life inside me, feeling great, but tired, picky about food, nauseous etc. started even thinking about names etc. some family knew, we did not tell my son yet. Then at my 8 week appointment again no heartbeat. Again my world is coming crashing down, this time my miscarriage was very dramatic, I was bleeding for 2 hours until I passed out at night on the bathroom floor, until the ambulance had to come, took me to the hospital where I had D and C. Aftermath for this was much much harder, as this was my second miscarriage, I was older, now it didn't seem as one time fluke, is there something wrong with me, why me, I was depressed for a long time, I felt 10 years older all of sudden, it took again a piece of my soul forever. 

Few years go by, I am now in my mid 30's, and at this point my husband has been traumatized by, as am I, of what has happened to us. Our life, on the outside we still looked like a beautiful couple with an only child, we looked like we have it all, one handsome boy, still some time to ourselves, not bogged down with a minivan and all the mom quotes mention children/kids, not a child or "my kid" it’s all " my kids" so I can’t use any of them. My husband is moving on a lot better than me, he starting to dream more couple time, as our son is now more independent, with a lot of friends, playdates, busy with his favorite sports, hockey and football, we are moving on, so we think, while all I am thinking about is having another one, it’s my last chance, my time is ticking, I will regret it forever and resent myself if I at least don't try. So I made a decision to give it one last chance before I am 40. I got pregnant again, my wounds had somewhat healed from my last time and I had almost no doubt in my mind, that this will be meant to be, since in my heart I wanted it so bad, for me, for my son, for my future, for my husband, to have a little baby to cuddle again, to give butterfly kisses and my gosh a baby sibling for my most precious gift, my son. Brother or sister to hold forever, his forever friend and family. Sorry, I am a dreamer, these are just a few thoughts going through my head. I am feeling pregnant, but great, we told our son this time, and part of me regrets it but part of me felt he was so ready for it, but I feel so sad because he also was doing a little dreaming himself.

Third time, I am beyond crushed, no heartbeat and the fact that there will not be "one day" anymore. I have to think of all new dreams and future, I have to think of things that I want to do with my life now, I am telling you it’s hard, because many years I had planned my life a certain way. But they always do say that we get ourselves in trouble by doing it. 

So here I am now, thinking of new dreams I can be doing. I started a handmade jewelry business couple years ago that I have not been paying attention to lately, maybe I can focus on that more, I can start dating my husband again and working on our relationship, god knows we have gone through some trying times, of course spoil my Only with love and I do want to travel more.

Writing this has been huge step for me in healing, not keeping it inside anymore is step for healing, and bringing awareness to the fact that babies are miracles and mother's and women are miracles as well, each one has a story.

Thank you for reading mine. I hope it was helpful to women in my situations.